[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
You Might Also Like
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.