The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.