Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
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date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Good news
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body