@NOTVIKING: me: what your biggest fear?
date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic
me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?
@NOTVIKING: date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock
me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too
date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?
me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary
@NOTVIKING: the spice girls: tell me what you want what you really really want
you, dumb: to be your lover
me, smart: a dirtbike
@NOTVIKING: all i wanna do is
find the safety on this gun
@NOTVIKING: if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone
my boss: didn’t i fire you last week
@NOTVIKING: date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body
me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks
@NOTVIKING: date: what should we do now? we have some time to kill
me: [visibly worried] w-who would we even kill
@NOTVIKING: when vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. i will not be reading any replies to this tweet.
@NOTVIKING: [first day as an anesthesiologist]
me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery
patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep