Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NOTVIKING's best tweets

@NOTVIKING : on halloween we dress up as skeletons but every other day of the year our skeletons dress up as us cop: you know you have the right to remain silent right

@NOTVIKING: me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?

@NOTVIKING: date: i like a lot of music but i’m really into rock

me: [trying to impress her] oh yeah me too

date: really? what’s your favorite subgenre?

me: [visibly sweating] s-sedimentary

@NOTVIKING: the spice girls: tell me what you want what you really really want

you, dumb: to be your lover

me, smart: a dirtbike

@NOTVIKING: all i wanna do is

*gunshot*
*gunshot*
*gunshot*
*gunshot*

find the safety on this gun

@NOTVIKING: if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week

@NOTVIKING: date: i’m looking for a guy who doesn’t just want me for my body

me: [trying to impress her] well i think your body sucks

@NOTVIKING: date: what should we do now? we have some time to kill

me: [visibly worried] w-who would we even kill

@NOTVIKING: when vegans have sex they ask to be artichoked. i will not be reading any replies to this tweet.

@NOTVIKING: [first day as an anesthesiologist]

me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery

doctor:

patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep