Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NOTVIKING's best tweets

@NOTVIKING : [first day as an anesthesiologist] me: i hope i gave him enough anesthetic to keep him asleep during surgery doctor: patient: why would you put the surgeon to sleep

@NOTVIKING: y’all just mad because i’m leaving the club with a beautiful woman, thanks again mom for picking me up i really appreciate it

@NOTVIKING: my teeth: flossed

my pasta: sauced

my salad: tossed

@NOTVIKING: when i tell people i “tried a new restaurant” what i mean is i went to a place which is different from where i normally get fettuccini alfredo and i tried their fettuccini alfredo

@NOTVIKING: me: i love cars

date: oh cool! i love cars too

me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2

@NOTVIKING: date: i hate pet names

me: [trying to recover as i was about to call her a cutie pie] same.... comrade

@NOTVIKING: interviewer: so why do you want to be a driver for UPS

me: [thinking about the time they “accidentally” lost my package and how i’m going to “accidentally” lose one of their trucks] the benefits

@NOTVIKING: her: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i only listen to blink-182?

her: no it’s because you spent all our money opening a bar that only plays blink-182 and you gave it a stupid name

me: [under breath] what’s stupid about drink-182

@NOTVIKING: the first line of “wake me up when september ends” says that “summer has come and passed” which means that it‘s at least september 22nd so while people think billy joe armstrong is sleeping the whole month he is actually sleeping for at most 8 days

cop arresting me: i don’t care

@NOTVIKING: me: you wanna hang out later?

her: sorry i don’t talk to guys who are under 6’

me: please mom i miss you