Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
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[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I ate everything, including the H.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.