“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.