My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
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once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Body by Oreos
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
LOOOOOOL
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Found the job I’m suited for
Please do it!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel