My work here is don’t.
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Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??