Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
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Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes