[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
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Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
bias laundering edition
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name