Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : [after dinner] Mugger: gimme your wallet. Me: may I keep my ID? Mugger: fine. Me: [velcro sound] Mugger: I can’t be seen with that. gimme your shoes instead. Me: [velcro sound] Mugger: you know what never mind.

@NewDadNotes: [restaurant]

Me: I just don’t understand why you never let me pay for anything.

Wife: [sigh] fine go ahead.

Me: [velcro sound] thanks Babe!

@NewDadNotes: Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

@NewDadNotes: [Cat 911]

Cat Operator: Cat 911.
Cat: please god! I just killed my human!
Cat Operator: oh no that’s terrible!
Cat:
Cat Operator:
Cat: HAHAHAHAHA
Cat Operator: HAHAHAHAHA
[10 minutes later at the crime scene]
Cat Cops: HAHAHAHAHA

@NewDadNotes: [movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

@NewDadNotes: Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing...I mean...why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.

@NewDadNotes: [pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

@NewDadNotes: Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

@NewDadNotes: [blind date]

Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.

Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.

Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!

Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?

@NewDadNotes: Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?

Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!