Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : Me: hey babe I’m going to work. you should know I saw a big spider on the ceiling and I tried to kill it but instead I knocked it onto the living room floor and it got away. pretty sure I just made it super mad. Wife: Me: ok I love you, bye.

@NewDadNotes: Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

@NewDadNotes: Wife: we need to save money for the kids college.

Me: ok.

Wife: you could stop going to Starbucks.

Me: you could stop buying separate shampoo and conditioner.

Wife: you know they might not even wanna go to college.

Me: [takes drink of pumpkin spice latte] that’s true.

@NewDadNotes: Daughter: are ghosts real?

Me: no.

Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.

Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.

@NewDadNotes: Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

@NewDadNotes: [choosing a daycare: first child]

Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?

Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?

[choosing a daycare: second child]

Wife: do you have any openings?

Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?

@NewDadNotes: Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

@NewDadNotes: Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

@NewDadNotes: Me: I just finished mowing my lawn.

God: rain.

Me: I’m gonna have a BBQ today.

God: rain.

Me: I really hope my son’s soccer game gets rained out.

God: lol. no rain.