Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : Fish: shark keeps trying to eat me. God: oh man that sucks. Fish: can I get some of that camouflage you gave chameleon? God: sorry that only works on land. Fish: ok that’s fair. [octopus swims by but fish can’t see him because he’s camouflaged]

@NewDadNotes: God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

@NewDadNotes: Me: how do you say yes in French?

Wife: oui.

Me:

Wife:

Me: how do we say yes in French?

@NewDadNotes: Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month

Me: ok I won’t.

[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]

Wife:

Me: starting now.

@NewDadNotes: God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

@NewDadNotes: Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

@NewDadNotes: Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️

Wife: Ow! You shocked me!!!

Me: I am so sorry.

Wife: it’s ok, it’s not like you did it on purpose.

Me: [under breath] pika pika.

@NewDadNotes: Corgi: why are my legs so short?

God: that’s just what legs look like.

Corgi: oh cool.

[giraffe walks by]

Corgi:

God: you weren’t supposed to see that.

@NewDadNotes: [first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?

Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.

Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?

Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.