@NewDadNotes: Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
@NewDadNotes: [car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me
[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Me: I regret nothing
@NewDadNotes: [Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
@NewDadNotes: Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait...if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
@NewDadNotes: Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet
Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then
@NewDadNotes: [Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did
[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don't you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you're not allowed in here
@NewDadNotes: [inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
@NewDadNotes: [watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
@NewDadNotes: [parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing