@NewDadNotes: CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
@NewDadNotes: [doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
@NewDadNotes: [on the phone]
Me: hey babe you’ll never guess-
Wife: [sees County Jail on caller ID] you hit a cop car again didn’t you
Me: -let me finish you’ll never guess who I ran into today
@NewDadNotes: Friend: the weather’s been super muggy lately
Weather: [pulls knife] I said shut up and gimme your wallets
Me: so muggy
@NewDadNotes: [Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
@NewDadNotes: [the Fellowship of the Ring]
Gandalf: who will take the ring to Mordor?
Frodo: I will take it
Aragorn: you have my sword
Legolas: and you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Me: you may have my backpack
[everyone turns to stare at me]
Me: it’s JanSport
@NewDadNotes: [NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
@NewDadNotes: Cellmate: what are you in for?
Me: I robbed a bank
Cellmate: how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way
@NewDadNotes: Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]