@NewDadNotes: Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it's head is flat?
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
@NewDadNotes: I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation
@NewDadNotes: DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?
Darth Vader: Im An...
DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins
Darth Vader: I think he died
@NewDadNotes: Dog 911: hello
Dog: I accidentally ate the trash
Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry
Dog: but I'm not sorry
Dog 911: I said pretend