Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : *cat rubs against genie lamp* G: you get one wish Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table* G: guess who just wished for a dog

@NewDadNotes: Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it's head is flat?
God: yep
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
God: Phil

@NewDadNotes: I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation

@NewDadNotes: DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?

Darth Vader: Im An...

DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins

Darth Vader: I think he died

@NewDadNotes: Dog 911: hello
Dog: I accidentally ate the trash
Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry
Dog: but I'm not sorry
Dog 911: I said pretend