Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : Boss: you're fired Me: *turns in chair with cat in my lap* I expected this; you found my search history yes? Boss: Linda wants her cat back

@NewDadNotes: [God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope

@NewDadNotes: Cop: I'll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?

Ace of Base: *starts sweating*

@NewDadNotes: Man sees the first Cat

Caveman: omg that sabertoothed tiger just mauled me. I'm gonna call him Mr. Bumblebottom and make him sleep with me

@NewDadNotes: Justice League HQ
Batman: -so they pay me 1 mil a yr
Superman: 1.5 for me
Aquaman: I'm paid in sand dollars
Wonder Woman: you guys get paid?

@NewDadNotes: *cat rubs against genie lamp*
G: you get one wish
Cat:*makes eye contact & slowly pushes lamp off table*
G: guess who just wished for a dog

@NewDadNotes: Angel: so you named this screwdriver a flathead cause it's head is flat?
God: yep
Angel: What are you gonna call this other one?
God: Phil

@NewDadNotes: I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation

@NewDadNotes: DHS: Do you known Anakin Skywalker?

Darth Vader: Im An...

DHS: he owes 22 years back child support for twins

Darth Vader: I think he died

@NewDadNotes: Dog 911: hello
Dog: I accidentally ate the trash
Dog 911: crouch low to pretend you are sorry
Dog: but I'm not sorry
Dog 911: I said pretend