Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : Ginny Weasley: so like what are we? Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]

@NewDadNotes: Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police

@NewDadNotes: [car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Me: I regret nothing

@NewDadNotes: [Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

@NewDadNotes: Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait...if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?

Me: [watching for the 751st time]
...well shit

@NewDadNotes: Mugger: [pulls knife] gimme your wallet

Me: You picked the WRONG DAY to rob me Pal. I get paid Fri at midnight you should try again then

@NewDadNotes: [Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don't you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you're not allowed in here

@NewDadNotes: [inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

@NewDadNotes: [watching Olympic Figure Skating]


T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

@NewDadNotes: [parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing