Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : Me: it’s cold and wet. Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see? Me: n-no. Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car. Me: why? Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through. Me: Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

@NewDadNotes: Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

@NewDadNotes: God: you can run really fast.

Squirrel: faster than a flying owl?

God: no but you’re an excellent tree climber.

Squirrel: don’t owls live in trees?

God: well yes but-

Squirrel: this is nuts.

God: do- do you like nuts?

@NewDadNotes: Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?

Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.

Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!

@NewDadNotes: Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

@NewDadNotes: [first day as an Uber driver]

Customer: dude my phone has gps-

Me: [trying to read 46 printed pages of MapQuest directions] I said no.

@NewDadNotes: Me: look man the baby’s asleep, I just need to go upstairs quiet-

Stairs: creak.

Me:

Stairs: I’m just kidding you can go.

Me: thank yo-

Stairs: creak creak.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: [visibly excited] what numbers did you pick for the lottery?

Me: our anniversary and the kids birthdays.

Wife: OMG WE WON! WE WON THE LOTTERY!!!

Me: [checking ticket] no we didn’t.

@NewDadNotes: Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.