Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap Me: sure Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold Me: I’m not an idiot [10 minutes later]

@NewDadNotes: CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk

Me: I’ll never talk

CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]

[two hours later]

Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?

CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?

@NewDadNotes: [doorbell rings]

Me: [opens door] yes?

Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]

@NewDadNotes: [on the phone]

Me: hey babe you’ll never guess-

Wife: [sees County Jail on caller ID] you hit a cop car again didn’t you

Me: -let me finish you’ll never guess who I ran into today

@NewDadNotes: Friend: the weather’s been super muggy lately

Weather: [pulls knife] I said shut up and gimme your wallets

Me: so muggy

@NewDadNotes: [Wizard Starbucks]

Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron

Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!

@NewDadNotes: [the Fellowship of the Ring]

Gandalf: who will take the ring to Mordor?
Frodo: I will take it
Aragorn: you have my sword
Legolas: and you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Me: you may have my backpack
[everyone turns to stare at me]
Me: it’s JanSport

@NewDadNotes: [NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

@NewDadNotes: Cellmate: what are you in for?

Me: I robbed a bank

Cellmate: how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way

@NewDadNotes: Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]