Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of NewDadNotes's best tweets

@NewDadNotes : God: you’re a cuttlefish. Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs. God: that’s not what I meant. Cuttlefish: oh. God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles. Cuttlefish: for hugs? God: [sigh] no not for hugs. Cuttlefish: oh. God: also you’re venomous. Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

@NewDadNotes: Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

@NewDadNotes: Me: [doing crossword] root veggie; 4 letters

Wife: beet

Me: French she; 4 letters

Wife: elle

Me: orange drink; 5 letters

Wife: juice

Me: bumble; 3 letters

Wife: bee

Me: speak; 4 letters

Wife: tell

Me: OJ Simpson; 5 letters

Wife: Juice

Me: bug; 6 l-

Wife: oh hell no.

@NewDadNotes: Wife: I think our daughter’s learning bad habits from you.

Me: I highly doubt that.

Daughter: [scrolls through twitter in bed for three straight hours]

Wife:

Me: she could have learned that anywhere.

@NewDadNotes: Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

@NewDadNotes: Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

@NewDadNotes: Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I have no natural predators.

God: yes.

Gorilla: I literally live here.

God: yes.

Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?

God: exactly.

Gorilla: who is?

God: it’s kind of hard to explain-

Lion: did you tell him yet?

@NewDadNotes: God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a whale.

Dolphin: I’m not a dolphin?

God: you are a dolphin.

Dolphin: but you said I’m a-

God: -you’re a whale yes.

Dolphin: I don’t get it.

God: all dolphins are whales but not all whales are dolphins.

Dolphin:

God:

Whale: I thought you said he was smart?

@NewDadNotes: [birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )