Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
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Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
so weird how every mom was born today
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.