me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
This will never not be funny to me.
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about