Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
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Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*