doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
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I don’t make the rules sorry
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
#Caturday
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.