Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
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I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
how was your vacation
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.