Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
You Might Also Like
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today