Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.