I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.