At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
You Might Also Like
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Yes
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30: