“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
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Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.