“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
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willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.