Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
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“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
12653.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I…do not understand how electricity works.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
so, is there a mister shapen head