Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
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The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh