I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
You Might Also Like
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
im 7 sauces long
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.