Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
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Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’