I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
You Might Also Like
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.