[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
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wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
those birds must be on payroll
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch