Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
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We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times