We are the people our parents warned us about.
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ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Me when someone tries to get to know me
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Today’s Times
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
tourist season
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Seems kinda suspicious
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?