*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
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My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY