Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
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Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My birthstone is a marshmallow
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”