my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?