I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea