Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
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SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.