I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
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You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
pizza
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?