“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
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If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
#FunnyLife Insects
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out