me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
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WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
british sex workers really pound for pound
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
my dad when a sex scene comes on