if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
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My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero