did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
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My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.