My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs