‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
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When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My therapist after every session
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
real
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve