Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
You Might Also Like
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
This probably isn’t good