I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
You Might Also Like
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out