I think my husband is beginning to suspect
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I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
*skinny dips into black hole
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.