I feel this so hard
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”