“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways