Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
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I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Morning my dudes.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt