If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
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I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.