the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
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[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂