@PastorBate: Dear diary,
Sometimes it just seems like I can't tell if something is an inanimate object or a person
My therapist: Yes that's quite clear
@PastorBate: Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.
@PastorBate: Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.
@PastorBate: [Spelling Bee]
Your word is palindrome
"Can you use it in a sentence?"
Go hang a salami I'm a lasagna hog.
@PastorBate: I've been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn't say not to do that.