Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of PastorBate's best tweets

@PastorBate : [crowded elevator] Alright I'm a little concerned about the capacity so let's all go around and say how much we weigh *gets out calculator*

@PastorBate: Dear diary,

Sometimes it just seems like I can't tell if something is an inanimate object or a person

My therapist: Yes that's quite clear

@PastorBate: Sea cucumbers are actually animals, so regular cucumbers are either lying or they need to step their game up.

@PastorBate: Restaurants drastically overestimate how much I care about which wood they smoke my bacon over.

@PastorBate: [Spelling Bee]
Your word is palindrome

"Can you use it in a sentence?"

Go hang a salami I'm a lasagna hog.

@PastorBate: I've been washing my hair with Ranch dressing for 13 years because the bottle doesn't say not to do that.