Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.